Friday, April 8, 2011

The Lighter Side: Local Food, Food Safety, and Artificial Ingredients

Arlo: I think I could be a locavore
Janis: No comment.
Arlo: Some people say "localvore." Locavores mainly aspire to eat foods produced near where they live.
Janis: What if you live in Hershey, Pennsylvania?
Arlo: You win the locavore lottery!

Alex: Look, they sell probiotic yogurt! I'm getting some!
Betty: What's "probiotic" mean?
Alex: "Pro" means for, and "Bio" means life, so I'm guessing it means "for life." What else could it mean?
Betty: "Prob" is short for probably, "iotic" is the end of idiotic. So "Probably idiotic."
Alex: Shut up, Betty.

Nelson: What are you doing, Grampa?
Grandpa: A smart cowboy always checks his boots to make sure there's no snake in them.
Nelson: Do you think there's a snake in your boot, Grampa?
Grandpa: Possibly... Nope, it's a cheez doodle. Those are generally non-venomous.

Mom: This is about the only stuff Petey will eat.
Alice: Is it food?
Mom: Chef Blandoni's Deflavored Meals. A tasteless mixture of healthy, food-like ingredients. Carefully processed to remove flavor and texture. Available in 12 very similar varieties.
Alice: BLEH
Mom: I call it Petey Chow.

(The card on a cart of Free Samples reads:) Welcome to Whole Foods. Please feel free to try a free sample. But in the interest of public safety Only take a sample using the tongs provided.
(Television news later broadcasts:) And the latest pandemic, hospitalizing thousands, was traced back to a pair of tongs all entering the store were forced to touch.

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